dril archive

In reply to crazy andrew moments in ass history

@ARHassing 1) i dont claim to be an actual person. 2) im not good

@realDonaldTrump my car has a beehive somewhere inside of it and i think "the donald" should fire it

In reply to BAKOON

@BAKKOOONN why isnt this on the news

just because i havent been seen in public for 7 years is no excuse not to wear a suit and tie before sitting down and eliminating trolls

unfollow me if you hav e ever done or thought about doing war crimes. i dont want war criminals shitting my feed up

slave to Woke retweeted

I AM AMAZED TO SEE OIN TWITTER TOO THERE ARE MEN WHO MISBEHAVE AND TALK PORN THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE COME ACROSS SUCH FILTHY MEN

this is the national health advisory board issuing a safe reminder not to touch your dick for one hour after handling pets

In reply to NBC Sports

@NBCSports thank you for making the sports

Thank you for the follow, @NBCSports .

big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck

http://i.imgur.com/0hMsDnB.jpg Thanks

http://i.imgur.com/QbqDs1O.jpg When Is The Next 9 11

yo Aesop... these fuckin "fables" of yours? Not up to snuff. Some weak fables over here. Go back to writing college. #TheThursdayNiteRant

the much anticipated photographic evidence that i take good care of my gumline has been postponed due to drama and agony

Had it up to here witht the chuckle crew. If you think my posts are bullshit I challenge you to come waterboard me and destroy me perfectly.

i'm really good at reciting my favorite quotes because my voice sounds like a cool movie character and isn't all fucked up and high pitched

can any of you hook me up with some sports

In reply to woke stifler

@Yelix Absolutely not.

In reply to andrew

@the_A_factor i live in the atlantic ocean

my previous tweet was not the thursday nite rant. first off, it doesn't contain the hashtag. secondly, it's wednesday afternoon right now

unverified accounts are fucking disgusting. they often contain base, lewd "humor", and i have mini-strokes whenever one of them retweets me

please respect the sanctity of UFO chat

In reply to slave to Woke

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal no i am not talking about my post

In reply to bud

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal yoiu got some shit on your monitor

***pisses all over shower faucets, wife's luffa, candles, knocks shampoo bottles off shelf with piss stream** it's fine because its sterile

be sure to check out my repulsively athletic legs & thighs featured on the shitty offbrand bag version of wheaties at your local supermarket

In reply to uncle beer

@NotCoolOrFunny Fuck U citizen

if the state ordered me to wear one of those shitty lapel cams i'd say "No SIR" & crush the camera under my cop boot while the public cheers

woah. you can say "Houston we have a problem" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing

i think "mario and sonic at the munich massacre" could work if they did it respectfully & didn;t fuck with the formulas from the retro games

In reply to we

@BevisSimpson the integrity of Fav Star is at stake . I Deserve death

if i ever subconsciously steal your tweets DM me for a frree 8x10 glossy of my horrible fucking face and a good ass arby's coupon

slave to Woke retweeted

Most of my body is real but my ass is a cartoon in the style of Archie comics and my dick is barts dick from the Simpsons movie

In reply to we

@BevisSimpson oh that actually is way too similar and now i look and feel like Shit

In reply to Jake Fogelnest

@jakefogelnest i might cancel this week's rant due to crippling dread and other real life bull shit. we'll see

There is a widespread campaign of fear being devised and perpetuated against me just because my dick looks like a cartoon character

My dick looks like a cartoon character's

huge tub of au jus sauce with bottles of beer floating around in it is lowered into the room before the big game. "now that's, a power play"

atticus quiznos, cornelius pepboys, baron von sega; distinguished luminaries who voluntarily castrated themselves for the sake of the #Brand

the heinous y2k bug will bow to me and my glorious rifle

you little online fucks who sit in mammas basement and finger your puds cannot conceive of the #HELL that is pushing fresh, invigorating SEO

In reply to @RealSkeleton

@RealSkeleton @speedthemovie Wow. Christ

@speedthemovie I thought this one w as really good, actually

nobody told me that" doing donuts" was some car technique. up until now i thought that it was just another way to say you're eating donuts

im the man who got banned from the gym for trying to bring a mattress inside, and i have gotten significantly weaker since the incident

In reply to vice versace

@ObligatoryFuck thanks for putting your failure opinoin that i didn't even want to read.

@diaper_wolf i feel like posting some more good ass posts is what i feel like

the desert has never helped any one and i am going to go throw poison at it

In reply to BAKOON

@BAKKOOONN Me to

to the fine folks who kicked my bare ass while i was trapped in the automatic door at walmart: why do you people insist on punishing success

U are the cancer that is killing http://IncestMemes.org

its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911

to potential employer: when i said i jerk the dogs off at the zoo, that was a joke. the zoo doesnt even have dogs. theyre domestic creatures

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney 's

you must face the mirror daily and ask your self: "which brands will i touch base with today". you have to ask it out loud or it won't work.

i do understand that it's halloween and it's only natural to want to get up to a bit of mischief, but paws off my hash tag please.

There's no greater television program than The News. The News is the only show on TV that I like, and it's smart. #TheThursdayNiteRant

this next dip of chaw is dedicated to the pursuit of muscles, and also my jeep

In reply to 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗲𝗴𝗮𝘆𝘀 💫

@shoegays the aliasing in the ps4 shot is a little tighter. xb1 has better contrast, though. both of them wreck the current gen, regardless.

i gotta say both of these are looking pretty sharp. can't wait to go next-gen http://i.imgur.com/Svw8n1x.jpg

cops should have two guns to get rid of crime faster . cops should be dual wielding by 2016

"And th mark...theyst fhall beckon..bearers of the Mask.. doth verily, andth post really good shit, online" nostradamus predicting Anonymous

In reply to Jose Canseco

@JoseCanseco Im going to throw all of your baseballs and baseball bats into the garbage

@JakeKomara thusday nite rant No.4 Uncut is currently scheduled to be released on Thursday, October 31st.

it was cool when they yanked saddam out of the spider hole becausr i was like "haha that guys me before i had my coffee. thats me on monday"

the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle

In reply to your dad

@Dads_Secret government thugs

In reply to @alphabet_gun

@Buff_Wizard this ones real

hello newsweek? yeah im not gonna make it for that interview. some schmuck just pissed all over me. im covered head to toe in schmuck piss.

@Donlad_Duck go ask a sex account . keep your paws off of me

slave to Woke retweeted

better not to tweet the latest but tweet the hottest-brandlord

slave to Woke retweeted

low quality site

slave to Woke retweeted

@AnonymousWiki hi can u say for me how u did to know and lesson to be a the best hacker in the world?

what if you took jethro tull "aqualung" & replace the parts where he says aqualung with "octomom" #BeyondFuckedUp #Sponsored @sheratonhotels

my dick is a beak now

In reply to @_Hermit_Thrush_

@_Hermit_Thrush_ i regret engaging witht my clientele

In reply to @_Hermit_Thrush_

@_Hermit_Thrush_ theyre dead. they dont have any nutrients

In reply to @BrooklynJuggler

@BrooklynJuggler correct

whos gonna rake all these leaves up?? the police? #TheThursdayNiteRant

In reply to wim ⌬🖥️🦥

@wmdhn some facebook bull shit

you aall act nice to me on this site but if i needed $60,000 for saline injections all over my entire body none of you would give a SHIT

In reply to Duncan I. Dunno

@DuncanIdunno @DigimonOtis @vinceness One Hundred Percent Yes

In reply to Dan O'Sullivan (👻 NOW *LIVE* ON GHOST 👻 )

@Bro_Pair @dogboner @DinkMagic @Lowenaffchen my thoery is that the book is only being delayed due to stressful constraints from the trolls

In reply to @maslcws

@iainyoungfans theyre murderers. all of them

i believe labels are pointlessly divisive and have no proper place in our society but i'm pretty much basically a jock and not a nerd at all

i tried to throw a molotov cocktail at a bird but he was too high up

reminder to all of my female cop followers that i worship female cops daily

In reply to just normal weed man

@DADA_VELI vermin

In reply to Halston Price Jr.

@Number1TCOT have you ever had your hat fucked by a dick

In reply to bug_deal

@bug_deal truth be told— i only like the good ones

@Super_Bugs i wish

@OffenFeind vulgar

In reply to dino

@dank_dino no

heres my halloween costume. im going as a bumblebee http://i.imgur.com/De9jdDo.jpg

In reply to Rocco Jackal ∅ n00neimp0rtant

@Mega_Turd im sorry?? i was under the impression that these accounts are good????

it's really messed up that im the only normal person on this entire site, considering millions of people use it daily

my name id yogi. greetings from albania. i would like to put the new i pad in jail. thank you for reading to my message.

looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo

in 1998 donald j. trump sr taught me how to use a Scythe and it sickens me to see people besmirch his good name

In reply to @crushingbort

@crushingbort i am attempting to enter the mind of otis in order to destroy him

In reply to @Weishampel

@Weishampel phew for a second i thought i was the worst, least funny thing on the internet

the brief period in high school when DigimonOtis changed his name to BurgerKingOtis in an attempt to improve his image

@wikileaks "harpo" from harpo productIons is oprah spelled backwards. bam. welcome to the matrix

you wanna come to my church & post about me sucking tiny ladybug dicks on the bulletin board? mm nope. that ain't me pal. That ain't my life

In reply to @vegetablefarmer

@frat_father the real shit.

*pushes a mini-fridge over* Fuck U

In reply to Jackson Cropper

@JACKSONITIS @virgiltexas Good Shit

please stop adding flintstone chewable vitamin commercials to the episode list. they are not real flintstone episodes.

@super_BUGS yes

In reply to slave to Woke

@dril first

i bought one of those craigslist peacocks. this fucking thing wont eat and its loud

ktxl fox affiliate just showed a pregnant woman on th simpsons #pregwatch

In reply to Jake Fogelnest

@jakefogelnest if this is part of some elaborate mindgame i swear to god i will write some letters & i will get you fired from your pod cast

In reply to @AgileTablet

@AgileTablet ievery thing i have ever posted is intentionally good

and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. "egg_dad_ebooks" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium*

#ObamasPresidencyInTwoWords IN1993OBAMAWASWITNESSEDCARVING ALCHEMYGLYPHSINTOAPUBLICBENCH

@TheBossPop it didnt work

#ObamasPresidencyInTwoWords bun gazi

theory postulated by known troll "Zentai_Gary" states that i, @dril, go to the zoo every weekend to , in his words, "fuck the apes", and i w

In reply to adam 🆗

@four_eels watch "The Mentalist" on cbs and learn how to manipulate human minds like putty then use this info to make severe fucked up posts

In reply to leon

@leyawn now were talkin

In reply to Neen

@Hawthornee_ meme 's encompass all art forms you street rat

most important art movements in human history?? three way tie between impressionism, cubism, and Bullet Time

bad news: were all helpless cogs doomed to ceaselessly perpetuate a machine
good news: the machine is a Sega and were all sonic the hegehog

@luciferiano_ i rolled out some denim content last night and it was really good actually. ..

my new quote: "That's some good ass Hulu" (to be spoken after, viewing exceptional content on the hulu streaming site )

holy shit. holy shit. you can order loaves of kfc. you can order kfc in loaf form. you can order kfc by the loaf #ByTheLoaf

phew. im out of breath from looking at blades online all day

me & khryler are drawing up plans for a family restaurant with damn good jeans nailed to the walls. we will call it the hard rock jeans cafe

accidentally printing out 20 ascii wayne gretzky nudes on the really loud printer in the school's computer lab #90sHell #DecadeOfTorment

In reply to @CEOSalesforce

@ebrawley TheThursdayNiteRanter@twitter.com . its not up yet. i will post an announcement when it is up

In reply to joel

@average__joel i cannot reveal the subject of next week's thursday nite rant. my competitors will use this information against me

In reply to @CEOSalesforce

@ebrawley if the event occurs wherein i misspell the official thursday nite rant hashtag, please let me know via email and i will correct it

In reply to Nick Keutzer

@Nick09 the official hashtag of the thursday nite rant is #TheThursdayN*teRant, with the asterisk removed. only i am allowed to use it.

if i make a rant-like post on thursday night and it dosnt contain the hashtag, it is not officially a thursday nite rant. its normal content

please allow me to explain the mechanics of the thursday nite rant. its not officially thursday nite rant if it does not contain the hashtag

In reply to Greg

@Grzeg the popular tursday night rant feature has concluded for today. check out the new one next thursday. it will appear on this feed.

@trillbin the rant was already posted. read it before the mods get all emotional and tear it down.

hey uh, it's just the thursday nite rant. if youre offended i dont give a shit. Thats whats to be expected from the thurdsay night rant.

alright shit for brain listen up. i dont want this guacamole stuff youre peddling. its green and it looks sick. go home #TheThursdayNiteRant

as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard

In reply to Mr. Congratulations Here's Your PhD 🦌 PhD

@hot_Girl_hamper yes. im it.

he lived a rich, meme-filled life

ONCE A MARINE, ALWAYS A MARINE. Celebrate and salute America’s 911 Force in the MONOPOLY: U.S. Marines Edition.

got that content that drives u wild #fw @HellLife @ShitGirl @simpson94170212 @GymGod @GunMagnet @SpitoonMan @DragonSex @LifeAlert420 @Guns6

In reply to Saladworks

@saladworks im nude

haha this vitter has probably gotten all sorts of boners on the Senate floor cause of the diapers. eyes buggin out, classic looneytunes shit

if i learned anything in business school its that you can disarm any competitor by insinuating he carries his turds around in his briefcase

scuse me i gotta check this...ah, looks like my retweet was reblogged bty chief tech editor of Reader's Digest (yea hes verified). solid mag

can anyone confirm or deny that the "spooky dicks" they sell around halloween each year aren't just rebranded dildos

In reply to brendle

@brendlewhat too late im already engaged to him

@SexCarl im not about to dignify that with a respone. really fucked up of you to joke about the gross malfunctioning boner disease

outta all the users on all the sites on this big wide web of ours.. why would PriapismHaver777 want to chat with little old me....

wearing my lab coat and analyzing an array of my own nudes in order to determine which one most effectively highlights my fatigued genitals

oh yeah buddy... i eat birdseed... and i ain't a FUCKIN bird!! #JustTheGuys #DamnMenTweets

the onion AV club boldly assigns a letter grade to each phase of the moon while dozens of readers chant incantation into the comment section

just to clarify: "the studio" is a room I rent for $800 a month. i use it to compose all of the posts i type here.

the accident was not my fault. the speed bag installed in the roof of my car was obscuring my view. also the driver was a fake version of me

verizon wireless usa promotes an nfl tweet but refuses to support indie sports like hockey and soccer. meanwhile, my life is in the garbage

In reply to @PatBuchananVEVO

@wetmom well i hate it. fuck chefs

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

i changed my mind. fuck cash for moms online. fuck it all. its nonsense that moms are given allthis good cash while I make $0.003 per tweet

In reply to deport elon

@kanye you forgot to retweet my good-ass post mr west

In reply to Cool Pond

@cool_pond fruad

i walked in on two cops touching each other's badges in the unisex bathroom at saladworks and got a coupon from complaining about the ordeal

everyrtfhing I say and do is owned hereforth by the fine individuals of the Cash For Moms Online corporation. i beLieve in cash for moms. ..

thinking i could bring my laptop to people who never saw computers, like some black tribe in africa. let them watch me game for a few hours.

thanks for telling me what " amore " is you dumb ass hole. i totally had no idea before i listened to this insipid song #TheThursdayNiteRant

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore" nope. not true "When the world seems to shine like you'v" thats bullshit too

slave to Woke retweeted

When I Die. Then You Will Realize

@FootLockerJapan you owe me one million dollars

just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit & blood will drip upon the funny impact font

Login: SewerLad
Pass: FuckTheMods666

im role-playing as a piece of trash on the corner of market & 5th. in need of 2nd player to lift me into the garbage please. i wont pay you.

the ceo of cash4gold just called me, crying. he tells me this—he says people arent respecting his brand on twitter. i fucking hate this site

i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly

and to the guy who said i have shit for brains: youre right. i do have... four brains..........

*homepage

jesus christ. this man at the library is looking at the lowes,com homepagr instead of gaining knowledge. im gonna upload a pic of this clown

*hangs political cartoon of obama eating The Jobs with a fork and knife up on the office billboard* you see that? ?? hes esating the jobs.

christ washed the feet of his disciples but not the ass. never the ass

my opinion on politics: my opinion on politics is that politidcs is extremely good, but sometimes it is bad

#SingleBecause self-sabotaging loud mouth with a hook dick who worsks with men twice my age at a vomit processing plant and has rabies

were you surprised to see me, gaming in the bathtub?? i am a man of infinite pleasure. come, hand me my robe. i write my own mr. bean skits

my trolls & detractors all have gross mental issues. they love drama and are all jealous of my precious army man blood #truth #SorryNotSorry

God Bless the United States of America and the Constitution that this Country was built on. Grab yourself a Mud Jug and KEEP PACKIN’ HAMMERS

http://www.mudjug.com/collections/mud-jugs/products/don-t-tread-on-me-mud-jug-free-black-mud-jug buuy me this if oyu love my content and want to rescue me from eternal misery

another cheap N' easy halloween spook: sculpt a giant skull out of ground beef and splash blood on it and drive it around on top of your car

a nice tip for halloween: fill up a jar with piss and say that it is a jar of frankenstein piss. display it on the porch with a strobe light

In reply to Snot

@Skn0t I Found One Here

hackers are finding ways to inject jokes underneath my posts and i ask my subscribers to remain calm unti;l ive sorted this all out with 911

i finally beat the Guinness record of "most karate chops absorbed by a man" but it doesnt count because i was unconscious during parts of it

it warms my heart when i see people of every race and creed, setting aside their differences in order to spew piss into my cage and scare me

#TagABeautifulGirl im good. im really good and normal. i want to take a women to the shooting range and discuss guns culture. i love humor

#TagABeautifulGirl i demand a date. i need constant help with my bullshit. i am tired of girls making me sick. i want to like the good girls

#Bulls #Gators http://i.imgur.com/oXcxF8z.jpg

my name is WhiteMadeaFan55 and i demand ansers.

i wear the oj simpson glove while i post . thats just a small example of how fucked up i am. Dont make me tell u more

my opponent thinks hes hot shit releasing photos of me walking an iguana on a leash., but little does he know that iguana is Gentle creature

In reply to @SteveAlbini_

@BigBlackBurger please leave my ass to the toilet

STEROID and CIGAR levels must remain equal . otherwise my organs will completely shut down and the quality of my posts will suffer immensely

In reply to ''Steve''

@extranapkins @WeedCoffin you can even give money to it if you want to

choppy vhs footage of me jacking off in a guarded prison cell and yelling "THE SYSTEM WORKS" upon climax

"i hope they serve dumpsters in hell " me, eviscerating a dumpster diver verballym, before closing the dumpster lid on top of him

bigmouth fake priest telling me to "drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself" as penance? this has happened at three churches now

In reply to craig

@craigus12 http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3276/2985918478_275065ae7c_o.jpg

In reply to Sean

@ShanusMcAnus itts also not funny or good. Cheers

my fav star? it's the sun. because the earth would be a cold piece of shit without it. i also like the website called "fav star" a lot.

after another day of getting Owned by #HateMail and #DeathThreats nothing beats coming home to my policeman wife and getting shot & arrested

https://twitter.com/search?q=%22who%20watches%20the%20watchmen%3F%20me%22&src=typd&f=realtime Good Ass, Top Tier Content

alright. so we narrowed the name of our band down to either Traces of Mondo or Pepsigasm. and i already printed out 90,000 Pepsigasm tshirts

please do not send any pictures of your legs to LegNut64. he is not a real leg cop

*sees another discarded poland spring bottle on the side of the road filled with piss* haha. hell yes

the reason it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to incarcerate people is that jail is really good and i like going there. Jail is good

its govenrment shutdown time mother fuckers *steals a shitload of small eggs from a bird nest* ha ha ha

i forgot to take off my joke shock ring before jerking off and the joke is on me because i flipped out and shot loads all over my curtains

@EmmmmRichardson they died

how many years did it take for moses to build the ark?? trick question. God built it

@rigamarock @dogboner i am in no position to judge an ass. i do not deserve to judge an ass

i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things

the guy who pretended to work at pathmark and handed out free samples of dog dicks to innocent shoppers technically didnt break a single law

In reply to craig

@craigus12 no

In reply to your dad

@Dads_Secret please dont flood this information channel with sports info

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

who will be brave enough to create a 3d motion picture about talking guns. who will let the guns tell their story

The reason the "Cars" movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don't get that with real life cars

god intended for the creatures of his likeness to wear good tuxedos all the time and to paint their cars to look like it's wearing a car tux

i do print my posts out on index cards and dead drop them at city hall. you have to get your teeth in the game, other wise youre just shit

In reply to Dan O'Sullivan (👻 NOW *LIVE* ON GHOST 👻 )

@Bro_Pair it's horrible and i'm very close to calling the police

@Muzzleland Give me some good memes and ill post them. Im sorry. Im just trying to please everyone

In reply to Lydia Tár Tár Bink’s

@robdelaney the only thing real about me is my appreciation for the refreshing taste of #pepsi, #doritios, #hormel, #generalmills, et al,

In reply to The Artist Formerly Known As Richard Pictures

@doctorveritas Im, him

if you're ever wondering if im some other guy, the answer is yes, im him, unless it's bad to be him, then im not him, im a different person.

http://i.imgur.com/SgEKkNJ.jpg you will never defeat me mother fucker

vvvvvvvvvv bullshit vvvvvvvvvv

When Jordache designer diapers were manufctured in 1994, they "seemed to symbolize Jordache's descent in the marketplace to discount outlets

In reply to NOTNlCE

@Insane_Cultist I foudned buzz feed and it was my idea to take all of that sweet Koch Bro Cash and put bad gifs on the site

ah! ah! i welcome the trolls, the haters, the knuckleheads, the rudeboys, i welcome them to shit on my fucking worthless grave and kill me

let us discuss the recent unveiling of user "@TurdBozo " and how that affects our creative collaborative efforts like, artistically and shit

the straight truth. im richard simmons, rofl. i love kissing Monsanto Mwah Mwah. HOw's your twitter immersion now?? i also believe in God

In reply to #1 samir

@samir Im a dunce who needs faves and retweets to live

anyone else see that full sail university masters in new media promo-tweet which offers us the opportunity to "learn blogging"? Look's legit

In reply to Full Sail University

@FullSail well i doubt you would have paid twitter good money to promote this program if it wasn't really good and also useful

I HAVE COMBED THE INNERMOST REACHES OF DARKNET TO BRING YOU THIS REALLY SICK PICTURE OF PEOPLE FUCKING EACH OTHER IN SUITS OF ARMOR

In reply to sara 🪐

@spif_ does brazil have any excotic PC games i can play

In reply to BAKOON

@BAKKOOONN please dont let the pharaoh see this

i have evolved byeond the need for "furniture" and i enjoy resting on the floor like an animal while counting all the cool cash im saving

i put a firefly and a ladybug into a mason jar and have been closely monitoring their activities for 4 days. they have not fucked yet

@ahuj9 @robdelaney i was explicitly banned from them because i am a loser and a jackass

alright now. just checking to see if there's any interest in a livestream of me speed running this entire bottle of hunts tomato ketchup

@diaper_wolf i will not back down, i will never stop yelling online, tear down this post

my grave is just a huge tv displaying videos of me doing parkour in hell and it makes all the other graves look like shit

the conflicted supersoldier stares over the horizon as he smokes a cigarette. "war is the most fucked up thing ever." he takes a sip of beer

kissing pictures of guns online is one of the most honorable ways to get strong

@_fackelmann my mind is normal

if you see a man in a fawkes mask walking down the highway with a sign that says "Gamestop: Power to the Players" that's me and i need water

let me tell you exactly why this t-shirt design of the tasmanian devil with angel wings is bullshit. first off, taz is not dead

In reply to Julie's I pad

@p3restroika no

In reply to Julie's I pad

@p3restroika its below 0

"stuart little 2" isn;t funny. somebody had to say it

All Young Men Must Own A Spittoon At Some Point In Their Lives

it is generally agreed upon that my posts are considered to be the worst aspect of my twitter presence

if all the girls and women in this town want to secretly film me taking a huge piss, then that's their right and god bless em

i have paid my son's school bully over $50000 to detsroy me psychologically .

In reply to Arby's

@Arbys @pepsi piss

i have been secretly collecting my roommate's piss for 7 years. i dont know what to do with all of these jars of piss. i am extremely scared

i'm truly thankful towards Irritable Bowel Syndrome for becoming an integral component of my identity and shaping me into the man i am today

prime smut http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/085/b/7/police_corruption_by_patrapp-d4u15hu.jpg

extremely good shit http://th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/240/2/c/sexy_hitmen_by_patrapp-d6k24co.jpg

In reply to Cool Pond

@cool_pond thats the fake wintco, my broken web page, is , the real one, thank you

whoever sent me that vile picture of an undimpled necktie- congratulations for emotionally ruining a man and undoing years of therapy

huey lewis and the... PUBES?? haha. some things are too fucked up for even ME to submit on here...**backspace backspace backspace backspace*

a cool prank is to convince someone to join the Armed Forces and watch them get spooked by guns & missiles in exchange for hollow gratitude

the shithead principal cowers under his desk and uses a stethoscope on the floor to listen for my rough n' tumble boots and trademark Gait

the absolute best place to hide your nudes is in a file folder on your desktop labelled "Clothes"

In reply to Larry The Cable Guy

@GitRDoneLarry i will raze every forest and devour each city in blood tribute for the crime of 9/11!! please nbring back blue collar TV

slave to Woke retweeted

Never forget today. I haven't! It appears some have.

In reply to :)

@hehu42 thats my boy

In reply to 🐟 jitka 🐟

@jitka adult who wrestles cops

adult cop wrestler

to the trolls: i just bought a 5-pack of Oral-B electric toothbrush heads using points from my Chase Freedom card. could a child do that? no

@snapbackfedora my accout is fucking good

@spacej_me only if you truly respect my posts

@spacej_me as long as that "anyone" is a Straight Jock

In reply to broga pants

@crunkdumpster i do not want to have to read this shit at this current joncture .

If i catch U retweeting mainstream shit, like updates from The Weather Channel or pictures of food, youre finished. Go clean yourself up kid

Im Sucking Myself Off Right Now And I Hate It #Dateline

i have decided to forgo material pleasure so i can write about the experience and sell it to http://About.com for Two Hundred Dolalrs

someone has filled the Stanley Cup with... BLood?? my god. such a powerful statement. how could we have been so blind. Sports is cancelled

here's a list of touhou girls i want to have as a Mom someday & here is a copy of that list in case you accidentally throw it in the gabarge

judge refusses to award my criminal ex-wife ANY of my retweets or favs in the divorce proceedings #BLAMMO

huge disgusting man with extremely muscular fingers pokes at his tiny laptop while his emaciated servants groom him with squeegees #win

i will never allow myself to go to hell without finding a way to take my laptop and piss soaked mattress along with me

@JDMFoodStamp "No"

i hand the chipotle cashier my card. "i support indie" with a photograph of me winking. she looks up and sees me winking in real life also.

In reply to Mike Bianchi

@Mike_Bianchi those things are me

In reply to sarah

@darylsdixoff this is very bullshit

as an asmerican citizen i am entitled to the spookiest halloweens possible as required by the constitution of the united states

mean while, while you were "Gaming ", i tasted 100 different wines in a cave behind a waterfall and cried into a shaman's arms

this man just likened me to a group of masturbators because i believe in the importance of an ironed pair of slacks. how dare he

i'll just call every opinion i don't like a "Circle Jerk". i'll dominate everyone

In reply to craig

@craigus12 Do it. Own me fully

ok. so apparently throwing knives at my car is A Thing now. apparently my Emphatic Capitalization is frowned upon by People Who Read Words

In reply to char🌞

@zachakra i close my account and cool off in the bath tub

In reply to Connor Hickey

@Connor_Hickey94 some things are more important than the brand .

*kicks back and watches an algorithm remove all the circumcised people from my web ring* Huauha your fucked up dicks can't save you now

number 4. the last one. i will hold this, The Content Creator's Pledge, close to my soul, on this sickening day of nine eleven. God bless

number three. i will never take the advice of my lawyers, my loved-ones, and colleagues to #StopThePosts

Number two. I will never apologize for defending myself from the onslaughts of jealous swine

i will never apologize for being wild about apps and upgrades

In reply to Sid V. Beers

@SidBeers christ yes. This shit fucking rules

today's the 2nd anniversary of the really good 9/11-related post I made two years ago #BetterWithAge #LikeAFineWine #MorePower

Looking To Be Jacked Off Into A Basin - m4w - 32 (Trenton, NJ)

In reply to Broken Spoke

@Pen15Fan Yoyu shut the fuck up right now

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

i have absolutely zero interest in friendship, i have absolutely zero interest in jokes, i am simply here to collect data and earn respect

go ahead, son. fuck your life up by taking that job as an ostrich breeder instead of working at my really good law firm until youre disabled

In reply to up post liker

@seafreeish nope i died

In reply to дух

@thafruitytaste i see nothting out of the ordinary here

yes i can confirm that george zimmerman just fashioned a cocoon from Monster Energy cans and metamorphosed into a gun with angel wings #cool

well im going to keep this brief. i overexerted myself while responding to emails and got put up in the hospital. i basically need lungs now

i am beginning to doubt that most of the subscribers to my feed are mature enough to handle sniper info.

perhaps by shooting a mam to the moon, NASA is the greatest sniper of all? nope. bull shit. it is solid snake

the sniper lifestyle requires perfect animal instincts and also smoking. dont join my sniper squad if u havent forsaken humanity& dont smoke

sniper flawlessly zaps the lid of my beer jar clean off. camera zooms in & out on my astonished face accompanied by buckwild cartoon soundFX

*wactches a sniper headshot a butterfly while its still inside of the cocoon* Hm, absolute Ownage. Ihave never seen anything that good.

i love to do bare knuckle brawls and my garage is adorned with various pornos

In reply to Jake Fogelnest

@jakefogelnest NASCAR Forums >> Odds & Ends >> Repost: A Man NAmed Jake Is Causing Me Endless Grief

NASCAR Forums >> Odds & Ends >> what are some good podcasts to listen to while listlessly fucking my wife

i plan on giving the olympics a right proper bollocking for lifting the tokyo 2020 setting straight from my cat girl novella

*covers up apartment's only window with a "Keep Calm And Enjoy The Posts" sign* yes!! mother fucking yes !! this shit is Perfect! god DAMN!!

@robocosby he blogs on the issues. 5 star

now for a joke. a man named "the turd coach" comes into my bathroom and blows the whislte at my toilet after i fill it with shit. Penalty

say what you will, but i truly believe that this man, this Adolf Hitler, was one of hte most buzzworthy racism-likers of the 20th centure.

a horrible mechanical abomination attaches itself to my skull and injects my latest Klout score directly into my brain every thirty seconds

In reply to @trash_sleeper

@flannel_toilet yes. i believe you should get yelled at for misquoting film's

*sees Tarantino get misquoted* You Bitch Mother Fucker *sees war supported on flimsy pretenses* Wlel, that's his beliefs and I respect that

In reply to wolf pupy

@wolfpupy im turning off until you remove it .

once they put out a unicode symbol depicting a tiny ass i anticipate that the jokers & miscreants on here will use it for criminal purpouse.

@crystalproteins nope i can not

@turdslut it appears you dont actually follow me, Turd Slut. if thtis #FF is some how ironic. Then you are the most fucked up person alive.

i love wearing clothes with words on them. like a fucking caveman

brixon brings another round of buffalo chicken bagels into the abandoned office, placing them next to last weeks rotten batch. solemn ritual

i went to arizona accompanied by two desert goblins and smoked spirit leaf out of a human stomach

the truth is; a lot of these people making and laughing at shit and piss jokes are actually quite stoic when they're using the toilet

i take a vacation to hawaii to relieve myself of the Trolls. a group of hula girls begin beating me up & calling me shit as soon as i arrive

i finally worked up enough courage to cry in front of the pregnant woman who frequents my gym

i plan on working very hard to shrink my dick in the coming monmths. my goal dick is 2 inches erect

i habve been banned from over 200 dating services for being upfront and honest about my rotten, barbed dick

two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks
"I just attained oneness with all living beings"
"I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam"

@Xeno_Kid i will never apologize for being a stoogehead, especially not to a hitler liker

the most important thing to realize for a safe and healthy labor day is that lizardmen are hiding in the trash, in graves, and in coffins

Time to shit. I excuse myself from the dinner table and enter a square, marble room with an obelisk in the center. I lock the door behind me

MOE
Hitler mrudered over 9million people you numbskull

Moe uses the claw of a hammer to yank on Curly's nostrils

CURLY
Nyuuaagghh!!

a teen approached me at the food court and said "I see you wore your clown costume today" and i spent the next 9 hours processing the insult

Laughs Right In The Home Depot Man's Face When He Says They Don't Have Any Bird Baths For Sale

the military industrial complex spent $99bil on dixie cups to ensure that not a single drop of our troops genetically superior cum is wasted

thius is not said nearly enough by all you ungrateful, unappreciative fucking jackals on here, but thank you @CNN. Thank you for the news

dont count the celebs out just yet, fellas.... i got the feeling theyre planning all sorts of those madcap stunts that drive all of us #WILD

http://i.imgur.com/T7gcPw0.jpg and to think ebert said this isnt art

.@ToiletHelper hasn't tweeted yet. @CumDragon hasn't tweeted yet. @ShitLad hasn't tweeted yet. @Fat666 hasn't tweeted yet. @CleanUncle hasn'

a football jersey with "BAD SON" as the player's name found in a dumpster

In reply to Justice For Y’all 🇺🇸

@DrunkHaymitchPN i dont want to

one of my avatars is a floating skull with a big dick and sometimes my other avatars suck the skull's dick

Police of reddit, what is the funniest thing someone you are arresting has said? (self.askreddit)

digmon otis once mistook a beached toilet for a dolphin egg

@DeBeers I WANT DIAMOND LIMB 'S

i will not hear any more talk of mars needing moms

@super_bugs favstar is an important brand outreach utility & the fact that some people will misuse it by putting jokes on there is pathetic

lets set some realistic goals here : jokes banned by 2016. sex banned by 2020. a cop in every household by 2025

im going to be very upset if I shell out a thousand big ones for google's glass only for it to be 100% legal for people to do jokes about it

This is more for the seasoned hookah smoker.
2 subscribers, a community for 2 months

This is realhookah, not /r/hookah. This isn't for posting pics of the same hookahs in different positions, with different shit in the base.

i had an actual good tweet to post tonight but a tower of filthy dog cages collapsed on top of me before i could write it

In reply to Hermit Thrush Ⓜ️

@Hermit_Thrush i fed them Lies

every animal in my house is dying for some reason and i can't handle bullshit right now

@JakeKomara yes because those are the funny words

In reply to @vinceness

@vinceness http://news.uns.purdue.edu/images/+2007/popescu-animation.jpg

i go online to learn which cartoon characters fuck each other and log right back off before the corruption sets in

@oopsspaghetti 1) KILL
2) MY
3) SELF

In reply to Sean

@ShanusMcAnus PULL THE TRIGGER

please get me the list of the dorks who have me blocked on this goddamned website so i can kick their lawn up with my cowboyboots

my dick and my ass are normal

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130615173232/teenwolf/images/thumb/1/1c/Teen_Wolf_Death_Blog_Cover.png/185px-Teen_Wolf_Death_Blog_Cover.png teen wolf wiki asks the hard hitting questions

every day i thank God for making it illegal for cops to kill and beat me

@VideoGameLoser no. the admins will ban you if you do this

im quitting my job as muscle beach lifeguard to achieve my dream of becoming the north korean secretary of teen moms

BURY ME WITH MY ASS.........

@awood78 nobody has suggested 14:88 yet. the hitler numbers.

plpease post suggestions for some wicked fucked up aspect ratios to help me trick my treacherous wife into thinking the tv is broken

moving pictures are a sin upon this earth

satan has his filthy little hand in my google serach priority and now when people look up my username they get pictures of dead camels

i woudl advise against "going commando", or wearing pants without underwear. the last time i did this i got a deep turd infection and died

In reply to @fuckj1

@fuckj1 @plopadop @bropeegy WHO CARES I DONT

>>ATTEMPTING TO SEND FILE 'LIST_OF_CARPETS_I_REFUSE_TO_FUCK_ON_PART1.doc'
>>ACEPT
>>PLEASE ACCEPT
>>ATTEMPT FAILED

buried in the center of stonehenge is a leather portfolio case filled with nude images of me. i consider these my most powerful nudes

@JakeKomara FUCK the brand

In reply to Daniel Kahn

@kahnfeed no

@redsnaille @DrPhil "shit"

In reply to MowtenDoo

@MowtenDoo always absolutely

i just sucked my own dick and got poisoned. no podcast tonight

You know, from the tone of your posts, it seems as though you actually WANT the Jeff Dunham brand to fail .

suck 100 metal dicks for a 1/256 chance of viewing a lovely 3d cutscene

i am truly baffled that some people would rather watch amc's "Breaking Bad" than indulge themselves in the good shit i constantly post here.

im now aware of a vulgar & objectionable program named"Rocky & Bullwinkle". sign my blogtition to yank this disgusting shit off the airwaves

i just got an email asking me to join The Rat Pack. need to know if its real or not before i move to belarus to make textiles with my uncles

fourteen of my beautiful sons exploded in God's War and the army sent me a gorgeous mantlepiece of a wolf that I kiss everyday

something like 43% of our nations topsoil is actually cave man shit. fucked up

@frumpy_fuu @zrok_ you have destroyed a powerful networking opportunity with this horse shit

@Maaever this is false. i have never made jokes

Damn. Egypt's in trouble. Hold on im coming *DRops anonymous mask on patio and hoses it off real quick*

running a search for "fuck church" every sunday morning and scrolling through the assortment of wild teen yells is my version of church

inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. "Im Sorry Sir" "Ill Do Better Sir" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen

In reply to @TheKGBeast

@TheKGBeast @boring_as_heck @RichardDawkins http://i.imgur.com/kL6ldPf.jpg

slave to Woke retweeted

@FoxNews sTOP THE MONEY

slave to Woke retweeted

@DailyCaller oBOMAS KIDS WONT GO TO JAIL FOR PAINTING

#bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&fp=2dadce597fc84e2&q=%22blackface+for+gamers%22" target="_blank">https://www.google.com/#bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&fp=2dadce597fc84e2&q=%22blackface+for+gamers%22 Focus On The Issues

so what kind of Jeans shampoo do you use? paul mitchell's denim advantage?? good luck with that you fucking cretin

requesting preorder status on "Def Comedy Jam Tennis" - PS4 - Release Date: 7/8/15 (JPN) , TBA (USA)

i just got word from cigarnet that the government has a secret vault full of #GUNS

bouncing my large mean ass on top of a shitload of stolen mannequin legs (girl)

In reply to illegal to unfollow this account

@egg_dog Fuck this. I tried to be a good poster

if i ever find a sincere or heartfelt post on your feed im gonna take a SHIT ON YOu

thank you for emailing me the picture of the pillsbury doughboys dick while my dad and all my uncles were standing right behind me. Not

my name is Tony Turds and i demand for people to take me seriously everty time i talk and also for people to like me

i can in the year of our lord 2013 verify once and for all that shrimp are NOT baby birds

In reply to Kula Bocca 🐽

@hambeef http://i.imgur.com/CtSwPOn.gif

@diaper_wolf never

i spend the majority of my computer time #Frowning

The one thing that I am truly the most sick of dealing with online is Ignorance Likers .

need one of those janet jackson sun shaped nipple rings to protect my stupid-ass pud from hell cherubs

@chiIIdog @bugbucket1 @bageleyes1 http://i.imgur.com/XtV2AKB.jpg look at thi

i'll be wrapping this hog in tinfoil to protect my dryrub from the NSA until all this bluster dies down

i cannot live in a world where OrgyPrince calls me an "Orgy Coward" just because i refuse to attend his disgusting orgy

the soldier yanks a perfect pair of blue jeans out from a pile of ashes while surveying a burned out truck. may god damn these perfect jeans

In reply to brady ➐

@zipoffs Mme

In reply to Triple Double Every Night

@losdrogas a jpg of a fish

Dear drigl,
An item you listed in the Community Market has been sold to Osama Bin Laden. Your Steam Wallet has been credited 0.27 USD.

i singlehandedly brought the OJ Simpson brand back from the brink of calamity and by God I will protect Yahoo. com from these online devils

@DrinkGrumpyCat this bullshit has clumps of PUBIC HAIR in it. tastes like someone attempted to mask ACRID PISS TASTE with CHEAP SOAP. No buy

@DrinkGrumpyCat send this entire misguided operation to the dumpster you vile urine peddler

#HowToResistSex meditate upon the untapped potential of The Cloud and crank off

i fully intend to topple the DigimonOtis empire via a coordinated campaign of viral folk songs bolstered by my partnership w/ Bob Evans Inc.

i had not felt emotion in over 20 yrs. not until baby crash bandicoot's reunion with regular crash bandicoot moved me to actual human tears

we're here to discuss the cultural merit of "Baby Crash Bandicoot RPG". please leave if you have nothing of value to add to the conversation

In reply to Margot

@mtraeg they fuckin STINK!!!!

and n9ow people are being abusive instead of helping me so i am just going to shut the monitor off and sit in the pitch blackness for awhile

some of my more savvy followesr are telling me they are called "trauma shears" but i need a pair specially formulated for a large mans needs

i want a medical expert to hook me up with those scissor that cut all your clothes off in like 2secs because im a large man & its a struggle

☠ ☠ ☠ CLICK ON MY ASS FOR MORE TWEETD ☠ ☠ ☠

i dedicate this oscar to the caveman who invented electricity, because without him― Film would cease

i;m selling my piss and shit back to the grid

No results found for "i invented black borat"

slave to Woke retweeted

Dr. Who gives a fuck

slave to Woke retweeted

Dr who gives a shit

@redsnaille @Omnicromicon @chiIIdog @vinceness sotp bickering and buy my ebook http://i.imgur.com/lgYEeeK.jpg

dippin my head out there for some hardball strapthug coplikes to handle my doofus and preg me down ,no wise guy shit #nerdland

i.. im gonna lose it!! im absolutely ready to crap all my damn cum out !!!

let me explain it to you fucking nerds one more time; this aaccount is Above Humor. You will not find jokes on it.

one thing my brand will never associate itself with is piles of filthy leaves

In reply to mesugaki pilled 💢💊🇺🇦

@cute_kyouko I will never post such info onto this bad website

@bugbucket2 HAHAHAHA!!! YES !! YES!!

HUNGRY-MAN™ was so impressed by my Content Flow & My Trademark 'Tude that they hired me as Asst.Toilet Boy and let me lick the factory floor

CRISIS: "TrueBloodGamer" just switched his steam handle to "TroubledGamer" and is NOt responding to ANY messages, we must bow in cyberprayer

Please Click On The Tiny, Burning Earth To Discover My Weblog

I am selling 10,000 of my followers to @CampBowWow for Nine Cents. Starting tomorrow you will be following @CampBowWow instead of me. Bye

In reply to Ben Avery

@BenCravery not if you wrap a towel around yout head

" BLOOD CURSE " to all the terrible motorists who threw debris into my bathtub as i carried it along the highway and made it really heavy

what i need is one of my girl follower to shovel garbage off of my dick so i can jack off and post a numerical rating of the ordeal online

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

damn!! heres one for ya: if the classic dancing 3d baby aged normally, he would be turning 6,270 years old today #Whoa #TimeGoesByMan

Perhaps the tier I aspire to achieve the most is that of the Milk Bone brand. Such flawless precisIon. Beauty; Grace. Truly awe inspiring .

im IP banned from this site in the usa but my Dubai account is good to go

https://twitter.com/search/realtime?q=%22the%20skeleton%20war%22&src=typd im seeing some real good shit on this website today

In reply to a$$ reductionist

@_tbau It owuld be rude to eat you. Goal

In reply to Danielle (PARODY ACCOUNT)

@daniellegee Im already dead. Fuck u. Keep em comin

In reply to full conspiracy france

@france_xiii Piss on me, chief

@mcdaldno Im going to erase this you god damn loony tune

In reply to Pigbig 🌝

@LuckyStubbs youre a rodeo clown from the sewer

why won't anyone fight me on this site. i want to slam one of you smug motherfuckers to hell, with the good words that i type and post here.

if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

everytime i click on the skull, a random dweeb's computer chair spins around at a million miles per hour and collapses underneath his ass

In reply to Virgil Texas

@virgiltexas http://www.dafont.com/shitfont.font

"big the cat" is the most compelling figure that has ever existed in any form of media, and that includes book `s .

#FreshmanAdvice i will demolish you with my perfect upper body forever because seniors rule the shit out of this school

you are treated to the serene visage of a waterfall cascading against the rocks. the camera pans out and its me vomiting all over my balls

@Rad_Bug those are all trolls who want only to terrify me

I GOt Fired From QVC For Describing A Pair Of Jeans As "EuroVamp"

im sensing some major bullshit coming from the graveyard

In reply to Hoopz Barkley

@TalesOfGames i want to live ther

i had a dream that Jared from subway followed me & we started discussing new media objectives over DM. when i woke up i was eating my pillow

In reply to NOTNlCE

@Insane_Cultist i get banned

my follower count decreases when i use these words: dick, cum, ass, turds. it goes up when i use these: brand, multimedia, sports, pepsicola

i just shot a wicked load across the hood of m y dad's monte carlo and i'm feeling hetero as all hell

In reply to jocoly

@jocoly if you think anything I post is funny you're a piece of litter

all cops on twitter please help. i found this fuckin egg on a bus seat where a large man was just sitting. how do i properly dispose of it

hello 911 police? ? yeah the official pf changs twitter account just unfollowed me. please put this message in the Files. thank u officer.

The most fucked up possible thing has happened. Porno has returned to cyberspace.

@Rad_Bug i would click the print button a lot of times

CALLING ALL MUSCLEFREAX— a country named "Ethiopia"' severely lacks Muscles. let's hit the bench and get heavy in their honor. #MuscleCrisis

while you all dunce around here and kiss the stupid royal baby's dick; i'll be absorbing the scooby doo subreddit with a glass of #PaleAle .

In reply to deport elon

@kanye stay home and Re Tweet me

@Jaxon_Dillinger jeans

In reply to veins crazy

@Ketherbound Drink my god Damn piss. Drink my my god Damn piss. Drink my piss mother fucvker. Drink my fucking god damned piss off

#RoyalBabyNames asshole doofus motherfucker from hell

In reply to Julie's I pad

@p3restroika dicks are only sold in cartons fuckface

@CNNSlowNewsDay @hair Hair put it therem, not me

.@Hair The cashier stood motionless, facing away from me while I attempted to purchase hair from your establishment in Galveston, TX. #Prank

In reply to Hermit Thrush Ⓜ️

@Hermit_Thrush Use Cappital Letters Please

Hrm. This is troubling. *loads another nude woman* This absolutely will not do. *loads pictures of Modern Architecture* Ah, now this is good

The Foundation For The Restoration Of American Honor Has Given President Barack Hussein Obama A Hitler Rating Of 34. This Is The Worst One.

i had a nightmare that i kept clicking the logout button and it just kept logging me into this website again and again

WHAT DO WE WANT
"Memes"
WHEN DO WE WANT IT
"Instead of regular jokes"

bone prank: drop pieces of your skeleton in strategic locations to spook nincompoops and lame-os

i overhear 2 social media experts discussing hardcore brand strats for 2015. Next Level. i immediately duck into a restroom & hyperventilate

web MD just told me I have "Fuckface Lymphoma" and that im an "Aids Man". in light of this humbling news id like to apologize for my posts

DEAR COP WHO BUSTED MY FRONT TEETH IN FOR SELLING TOWELS ILLEGALLY, THANK U. IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW. PETSMART HIRED ME TO JACK DOGS OFF

http://i.imgur.com/wBA1hSW.jpg christ. no wonder everyone is so worked up......

The Bayer corporation proved the link between Masturbation and Homosexuality in 1968. Thbe debate is over.

@KolThur @willystaley climb into the garbage you uneducated clown

nude bathing was invented by the vile criminal slave class of the byzantine empire and it drove the kind & decent noblemen absoutely bonkers

http://i.imgur.com/7vf4My2.jpg ths is the direction of the @Dril account & our vision of the future of media. This does not represent Final Product.

@PhillyPolice nothing i have ever done is Legal

*waches the Race War unfold in filthy computer chair, multiple tabs open, cnn msnbc, gawkrer, salon, milk duds** now THis is some good shit,

the classics(art carney, sid caesar) woud SHIT THEMSELVES if they saw these newer performers who INSIST on displaying their genitals always,

ENOUGH *Throws All My Jacking Off Books And Jacking Off Memorabilia Into The Garbage*

http://i.imgur.com/BdyYOEr.jpg im just going to post my ad here real quick

Kathleen Turner will star for director Herb Ross at MGM in the comedy feature "Cloak and Diaper,'' a Michael Lobell-Andrew Bergman productio

PigPissBen banning anyone who reposts the PigPissLou photos. PigPissWayne and PigPissEllis have already fallen victim to this PigPissTyranny

PigPissClyde hid in a bush for 2 hrs and took secret photos of PigPissLou wiping bird shit off his windshield with a chipotle bag. Pure win,

peeking into police station window, watching the cops Fuck each other. duane eddy's "Rebel Rouser" is playing and im nodding my head in tune

simpsons marches onward into season 394. characters morph into grotesque mockeries over 100s of years. homer advocates cock and ball torture

i lure a group of newly hatched baby turtles into an abandoned warehouse using a photo of the ocean and turn them into moths #GOthicOrder

Where were u when I was being mouthed off at. Where were u when my brand was tarnished by Mockers. Where were u when i got called a "Prick".

arms begin to glow & expand. "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for True Gamers." yes!! yes! im feeling more power tha

i just cracked into aCiDnEt and got my grubby mitts on BigCasper's [No_Incest] edit of the spike lee oldboy remake and im sippin #DraftBeer

In reply to Justin.

@_justinwelch_ you missed the boat pal http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jj1wn/iama_man_who_could_not_masturbate_until_i_was_21/

In reply to @DinkMagic

@DinkMagic @extranapkins they suck

In reply to @DinkMagic

@DinkMagic @extranapkins my turds and brain fucking suck and my toilet smells like a god damn turd and it also sucks

In reply to ''Steve''

@extranapkins I hate this fucking bunkum you put to my page. Get a grip on life

In reply to Esteban

@Estebandagreat Fuck Digimon Otis

@twoheadedpug only the good ones

@drymangobird thbe NSA is really good. but it could be bad? please dont write any opinions about it until ive solved this

nobody's allowed to criticize anytyhing or talk about anything or like anything until my shitty terrible account gives the official go-ahead

i hold hands w ith my teen son *spikes the microphone*

hm? whats that? my dick looks like bozo the clown's dick? listen punk. i know for a fact you have never seen bozo the clown's dick

my dick sucks balls. pray for my dick

http://i.imgur.com/HCVnnW0.jpg good

http://i.imgur.com/NAzAOOu.jpg this is how to fuck on craigslist

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

my crippling fear of Hell makes me post really good things on my timeline #blessed

i suppport LGBT... and GBLT ((photo montage of me sinking my teeth into a Good BLT)) #DaringJokes #HeWentThere

slave to Woke retweeted

shitter　实在太牛了

posing next to a jeep and handing out business cards at the high school i graduated from 8 years ago, explicitly stating i do NOT followback

a mudslide engulfs a small village as I obliviously powerwash my bluejeans uphill

i will pay a jpeg specialist up to $500 to put a black bar over the ass & pussy of my beloved rottweiler before i send the pic to my father.

i've been spat upon. i've been dragged through the streets. i've been pissed on to the Nth degree. all for the sake of making good ass posts

I have decided to officially unfollow "@Budweiser", on account of their complete lack of original, informative, or compelling content.

In reply to Aaron C

@AaronCampsoup @Budweiser im going to strangle the turds out of your ass

Nudity is perverse. Nudity is an act of war

i'm absolutely covered head to toe in lotion and i am ready to sign on. you all have the privilege of interacting with a fully lotioned man

as we speak, RickGameCube, Bradley_X, GodlyWalter17 and myself are planning an attack on the terrorist organization known as "Al-Qaeda"

due to the actions of bastards and human slime, my agent has advised me to deactivate my account for 18 hrs, to punish my disloyal followers

you are all too concerned wih your fucking "Brands" to help a mman who was absolutely in hell for 4 hours you turncoat motherfuckers of shit

zero of my so-called twitter pals gave me a phone call or offered me any aid during my harrowing ordeal iwth the hacker. may god punish you.

HACKED BY ÝSKORPÝTX
TURKISH HACKER
THE ISLAM IS SUPERIOR - YOU WILL DRAW YOUR PUNISHMENT
George W. Bush (1946 - ... )...2007
FUCKED USA

trolls have found a terrible new way to antagonize me. it is called "retweeting" and it works by exposing my posts to scammers & crumb bums.

i sit on a throne made out of dead Freshmen and drink wine from a Freshman's skull. all this can be yours if you become a cyber bully.

*circles "become gay" on a whiteboard*

i think that turning myself Gay in the summer of 2013 would really impress my overseas investors

i can tell how beautiful a man`s soul is by putting both of my hands on the hood of his car and thrashing my neck around to awaken god

In reply to Jake

@gerkygatzos fuck your ma ma!! you piece of shit

@gjonad eat a god damn bug

In reply to @anime_dad69

@fuckj1_2 Go Fuck Your Self You Son Of A Bitch

whenever i elevate my professional vitae through mind-blowing, dynamic content, i reward myself by fucking a book of carpet samples #Toonami

dont come on my account and lecture me about manual transmission until yoauve gotten BOTH of your balls snug up inside of a sweet sugar babe

The absolute shit Im forced to put up with as a content Producer. Ive sacrificed my basic human rights in order to placate U fucking people.

- barack "knock 'um down" obama -
http://www.xmascotcostume.com/smart-boy-costume /> - mad rodney - http://www.xmascotcostume.com/golf-boy-costume /> - chemtrail -
http://i.imgur.com/nrKbHEt.jpg /> vote now

my meme dissertation should be "put into the toilet"?? perhaps the only thing that should be put into the toilet are your harsh criticisms.

MetalGearEric: You are being tried in the court of gamers for calling Ninja Gaiden "Weiner Gaiden", even though it is not called that at all

GRIZZLED WEB VETERAN: I KNOW 100 DIFFERENT WAYS TO OWN A MAN...
ME: I Sure Hope Nobody Poisons My Dick
GRIZZLED WEB VETERAN: MAKE THAT 101..

with advancements in technology we will someday be able to watch a 3d animated version of larry the cable boy go to vegas & get into trouble

someday mankind will evolve beyond "jokes" and i'll be allowed to paint big ugly dicks all over my house without suffering derisive laughter

sometimes i gaze towards the beautiful endless sky and wish that i was a bird. so that i could piss and shit out of the same hole

@PizzaDetective a tshirt big enough to cover my ass hole up

Im here to addmindister beatings to all of the liars and cowards in this hot tub

waving flags, honking horns, trying to coax the kfc golem into shitting all over my mouth and my picnic

i love to build illegal temples around town. i love scrubbing my pitbull down with big piles of soap bubbles. i love to fuss and raise shit.

it is extremely fair to say that my entire pelvic dick area resembles the singular breast of a pregnant European

In reply to @lowtax

@lowtax @BestOfWeirdTwit i look forward to purchasing this work of fine literature at perhaps the zoo or the circus

@SexCarl This is the most fucked up sentence that has ever been uploaded to a web site.

Yeah, some of us like to network with successful brands on twitter. The rest of you want to join hippy communes and suck the hippys' dicks.

.@Budweiser Check out my tweets. I like the stuff you post on here. Please, have a look at my page. Love the 'Weiser. Bye.

yes. i can confirm that craigsli$t will flag your job listing for removal if you accidentally title it "buffalo wild wings toilet fuck".

assault on liberty: the local farms have begun smearing dragon blood on their pig troughs to keep me away from them

@Porn_Moth @ELLIOTTCABLE yeah im about to go to the library he works at and knock the fuckin books off the shelf

the dj who makes crude dog noises on my radio every day should listen to my rare metals podcast & learn how a real content producer behaves.

i'm just like you, pal. eivery morning i put on my straight hetero jeans one leg at a time and pour myself some straight hetero raisin bran.

In reply to acapella foley artist

@ELLIOTTCABLE in order to fully grasp the "weird twitter " zeitgeist, i woud recommend reading 1 of the many articles publiSuck My BaLLS 666

ＵＮＣＵＴ
►ᴹᴬᴸᴱ◄

need nonviolent methods to knock out these security cams fucking up my protest of public toilet

just installed 500 security cameras around my compound & my sony wonderstation refuses to interface with a single one! hungry grab a snicker

how could a man with $0 get one of you 3d printer eggheads to print up some wild runestones for my daddy-daughter astral ascension ceremony

im 14 year s old and im already more psychic than my dad

how dare you fuck with me. how dare you fuck with me , on the year of Luigi

cursed pair of google glasses adds world star hip hop watermark to everything i look at and cannot be removed from face

as someone who receives the middle finger daily, i have the authority to state that using both hands is superfluous and absurd. doesn't help

if the twitter man is reading this: i don't like the fact that people are "following' this account and i would like that feature turned #OFF

"rat rod shit shack"

Q: are nerds allowed to read your tweets
A: no. absolutely not. only businessmen and christian women are permitted to read my tweets.

In reply to Rob Schneider

@RobSchneider what about the wind? i think it's the wind

i was also goig to make a joke about how putting a dry rub on the vaccines makes them cause less autism but the science is still out on that

that's the end of my dry rub rant. it's just my opinion. i have already received 20 death threats. i fucking dare you to block and report me

i cannot eat this bowl of rice until i've personally applied a louisiana-style dry rub to each grain. i refuse to eat like a peasant

hell ill dry rub anything. an unpeeled banana. fruit gushers. all contain a latent power which begs to be unleashed by a superb spice blend

it's that time of the year when my father sends me pictures of jails and tells me that i must learn to Respect a good barbecue dry rub

sort of bullshit that im not allowed to be the wendy's mascot just because im repugnant to most people & woudl negatively impact their sales

i scan the docs & id the perp. "The Radio Shack Masturbator". bounty on his head. i put 100 bullets into my pistol and hit the god damn road

click this post to worship Everlasting Slime until your cold, lonesome death, the uncleansable taste of Shit ruining your throat and tongue

click this post to devote yourself to Zesty Ranch from now to eternity , the cool, crisp satisfaction that all good mouths adore

click this post to spiritually align yourself with Hot Nacho , the devilishly delightful blend of actual nacho spices imported from DarkNet

*stealthily dumps an entire bottle of gnc 100% pro performance whey protein into the dog's food dish * oh hey what's going on i was just uh,

i am about 50% certain that the doctors who took turns punching my egregious chode during my eye exam violated the hippocratic oath

obama and his crack team of nsa crooks watching me shit: "sir, he's scooting backwards so his dick doesn't touch the rim" "Thuis guy's good"

i spend 2hrs on my back with my legs spread so it looks like the sun is setting into my ass from my perspective."haha the sun fucking sucks"

ever since i had that srtoke at cold stone creamery i feel as though i am more in tune with spirits, and the like

a quick e3 prayer: i call upon our lord in heaven to ensurre that these perfect video games are not lambasted by criminal journalists. aman

i will gladly purchase the Horrifying new xbox for each room in my home and expose my nude body to its mandatory camera daily for kfc points

maintainig one of the last serious accounts on this fucked up website is an emotional burden that could be likened to the trials of christ .

pikced up some arcane yoga tech that will suck my balls up behind my gut and allow me to achieve a marvelous Thigh Gap #ProAna #GapBoyReal

my cousin was charged with arson(Bullshit) , and i was thinking we could all help out by drawing up some memes to display in his prison cell

"☆ ★ One day, Miss Hannah Minx escaped from an anime cartoon and started teaching Japanese on Youtube. ☆ ★ ヽ(*゜▽゜*)ノミ" me too. that;s me

caught my son running a google search for " shit stain pussy ". i am beyond distraught. we are strictly a Bing family

when i was young, i always dreamed of becoming an artist. at age twelve, my father taught me how to tie a Square Knot. Now i hate art,

i summarily reject the notion that i derive R-Rated pleasure by having jack-booted meatheads from ACORN kick me around like a chewtoy

sorry for drawing this out but its important to note that im in Full Submission Mode, waiting for CIA's pig-faced cronies to whip & chain me

i hereby hand this twitter account to Obama's Thugs aand permit them to beat the crust outta me screaming and to piss on me. no trial. amen

if cops can see this account already: im sorry for all my posts ,t force me to lick your boots CLEAN sir, im a bastard who needs punishment

@CNNSlowNewsDay Take me off this service. I don't want people to look at and see my posts.

trolls using "#ff" to add me to cruel watchlists for oppressive police beasts; ONCE AGAIN fucking me over, ONCE AGAIN making me shit myself

In reply to Bumf

@bumf_online onyl if i get 100% of the revenue and also a $250 fee for eating up my twitter bandwidth by Mentioning me

i am taking my 34-year-old son into town to buy him his very first pair of clip-on suspenders and we are both very excited

In reply to orb wizard

@insomnius gross

i've been publicly unfollowed by "lawyer ron" because of you fucking people

In reply to ron powell

@lawyerron hy bud kiss my FUCKINAZZZZZZ and get your ass back to http://yahoo.com. itsr really hard to write these

In reply to @911VICTIM

@911VICTIM What are u saying. Am i dead

theres an inherent sense of nobility, or perhaps honor, in the Shit that i post, that distinguishes me form my peers. undetectable, but real

this gradient they applied to the iconic kellogg's logo is of no use to me. i think i will write them a nasty little letter

In reply to @QuickenLoansLLC

@QuickenLoansLLC thank you

the audience is encouraged to sink bullets into my protruded red baboon ass while i struggle to recite prose written on a toilet paper tube

In reply to veins crazy

@Ketherbound when i change m y name to "@QuickenLoansLLC" in Q4 youre going to be Fucked. sorry

i show my son the mandated GMO labeling on a pair of jeans at the store. "that's how you know it's a good cut. this is a good cut of denim."

The offending article of clothing read "Big Bird Sucked My Dick & All I Got Was This Lousy TShirt". I have blocked this person from my life,

if e3 does NOT #ShowUsTheGames, KeyBladeWalter, "Epic" Wayne Briggs and I will engage in disciplined self-immolation on the disgusting floor

In reply to Hoopz Barkley

@TalesOfGames Tony

In reply to Hoopz Barkley

@TalesOfGames dunther, twang lad, gunbelt, Holbo, daemetreus costco, fallen gordo,

who are my top creative influences? easy. the geico cavemen. where do i draw the majority of my inspiration frpm? easy. the geico cavemen .

#e3rumors a stodgy executive wil get on stage, spread his legs, and officially "give birth" to the new xbox. millions will detest this stunt

and then there was PreCumGary, a remarkable man who, despite his name, never allowed ihmself to release pre-cum during sex and masturbation.

In reply to Classics Of Game

@ClassicsOfGame Despicable As Always. Thank You, Classics.

i was promised awful, screaming cicadas by the millions. i am starting to think i busted out my CICADA MAN 2013 t-shirt for nothing.

In reply to Adam 12

@adamxii im not into that hippy stuff

hah. i just read the entire bible and i'm still a lost., confused idiot. nice try, God. #BIbleFails

my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou

there is absolutely no greater account on twitter than @DinoMiteBarney. consistently on point , no guff, what else can i say . check it out

everyone please stop fucking posting for a second; i think i just inhaled a hair

i for one will be taking the high road by reserving judgement for the really good grumpy cat movie until ive seen it and bought the blueray.

the champagne-sipping hipsters are constantly begging me to make my account more "INDY"... but i got 1 thing to say to ya― NOT A CHANCE BUB!

the advent of nanotechnology will eliminate sex when the tiny robots learn to massage our prostates and drink every drop of our terrible cum

imagine a guy whose desktop computer is an integral part of his drum set and he posts by tapping the keyboard with his sticks and it's me

In reply to Lydia Tár Tár Bink’s

@robdelaney @SexCarl completely off the mark. i have stated repeatedly that brands are BIG in 2013 and i stand by that mantra. Remove this.

@SexCarl i knwew it. i fucking knew it. twitter culture can suck my dick *RIps up $59,000 check from dairy queen*

twitter to me, is a Collaborative Experience. ergo,when you shit on my posts it creates a rippling effect that corrupts the souls of all men

see?? it's happenig again. people are blocking me because i'm posting my opinion. @Doritios is sending me crude messages again. fuck twitter

In reply to threeboy

@threeboy twitter should verify me because i invented the simpsons

In reply to jon hendren

@fart i want too live their. i want too smooch them

who is that vile man lurking around outside of "ROFLCon" with a notepad, standing on trashcans trying to peek inside of the windows and shit

In reply to @CEOSalesforce

@ebrawley nice setup

i got a booth set up outside of the casper, WY red lobster to promote & expand my brand presence. if you speak to me i will call the police.

In reply to Jennie Bleghnnie

@juniperjulip double stuf oreos

you all can send me breast milk now. thank you

my dick is satire

think you got it rough? try engineering blog posts while trying to suck down two whole baby bottles full of muscle milk before Solstice ends

feel obligated to inform TL: i accidentally touched a girl dog's nipple while petting it— deep apologies but ready to grow & learn from this

slave to Woke retweeted

I think the world should be in diapers and toilet should be thrown away

my hype man is notable. someone get the president of wikipeda on the horn and command him to resign for this shit job #Notable_hype_men" target="_blank">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hype_man#Notable_hype_men

mmy "hype man", if you will, is a tiny 80-year-old guy who follows me around and apologizes for everything i say and do in a pitiful voice

claiming reserved table for "uncle clean jeans." not on the list? hmm. what about "big uncle clean jeans." no? shit. try "kurt." ok ggood

my booming voice echoes from the depths of your recently flushed toilet. "NICE TURDS IDIOT. HA HA HA"

#momsandbrands now were talkin. can i network here. i'm a normal, real person. i think youre all good #LonelyWantuingDates #GoodAtBrandsAlso

i do in fact keep a trash can under my desk so i can spit up a few nauseous loads whenever i get publicly humiliated by people retweeting me

http://www.gotoaid.com/dogs/topic/Birthing-Whelping.aspx i want to help the 3d dog give birth

phew. just served 4 years in afghanistan and not a single person saw my dick while I was over there. not one. hope they got a medal for that

it is official. im taking my football to prom and im going to kiss it and the nerds will never stop me. i cannot wait to savor their anguish

I have just obtained a historic deleted segment from Disney's Fantasia. It features a middle-aged man in an NFL jersey buying light bulbs

In reply to @ernest_borg9

@ernest_borg9 @RichardDawkins impossible. for he has already denounced the neologism "OWned", and i cannot own him, nor him me,

"what are ya.." i said to his face. "some kind of a FReak cop?" he desperately reached for his badge but it was fused permanently to his leg

I'm Sorry For Raising Cain At The Out Back Steak House Even Though It's Still Bullshit That They Refuse To Serve Me A Plate Of Just Croutons

so if the admin posts pictures of his varicose vein clusters it's ok, but when i do it my avatar is replaced with hands gripping prison bars

whats the deal with people handing me receipts after i buy things!! i dont want this!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you! #Stand #Up

i'll find it

there's a twitter room where people with verified accounts go to talk shit about me and shit on my good name and make me look like shit

@brian_hanson oh absoluteyl

As a Digimon fan for over 10 years, I never heard of someone named DigimonOtis in the Digimon community, so his input is also invalid.

http://imgur.com/a/iwGlg icant believe this is happening

@diaper_wolf post the rear view you coward

Good Lord https://twitter.com/Diaper_Lingerie/status/220881877664403457

there are rifts in the Frankenstein community regarding whether or not igor was tasked with jacking the monster off to keep it docile

wish Obama would authorize some drone strikes against my ex-wife! *the act takes a more serious tone* Instead of doing Benghazi.

#GooglePlayMusic ha ha some guy spent a billion dollarsr to put this boring ass hashtag on the trending list. fuck you idiot

PRANK: say The Simpsons got cancelled and tape everyone's reaction. alter the footage later to make it look like their balls are hanging out

received some very important secret documents regarding the Masturbators. not only do they enjoy touching their dicks, they also worship sex

mayor unveils a huge tombstone engraved with "Incest". i chain my jeep to it and rip it down. mayor surrenders and names town "Incestville"

"Ah!! Lunchtime, Boys!" i snort several lines of Hamburger Helper, tilt my head back and shake with unbearable agony as my head turns purple

In reply to Glenn Beck

@glennbeck #Muslimgeddon #TheNineElevenOfLies #BloodPhantom666 #GhostPresidentHellGate #ANationWeepsIntoItsPillow #ThisOneTimeObamaAteABible

me and some extremely crude boys in a pickup truck scream "hipster" at some kid's lemonade stand then crash into a turtle and eat shit hard

guess what smart guy. cavemen didn't brush their teeth either, but look how strong they were. they also detested sports

now i will be the first to admit that im an irredeemable son of a bitch/. however, i am also a piece of shit with no brain.

the problem with some things today is that they arent good. but when you say that, Oop! Surprise! i'm being argued with and shitted uppon. h

im being TROLLed because of my pro-nascar beliefs for fuck sake!! why dont any of you care!?! why are you all just posting more jokes!?!

there are dead guys with verified accounts, yet i am barred from consideration due to the actoins of my enemies, or "Haters", on this page .

In reply to leh0n

@leh0n thw most important 'win' button i have ever clicked

@Rad_Bug That's not me, Rad_Bug.

In reply to Esteban

@Estebandagreat That's not me, Estebandagreat.

http://www.wacom.com/~/media/WTC/Images/Carousel/Support/610x340_support_02.jpg?mw=780 what hte fuck are you doing

get me some of that fuckin Travolta denim

In reply to @HotTakeMacheen

@VNDtoLAD this is a serious account. no jokes

i cast 1million holy spells on my yankee candle and now it never burns out and the flame grows taller when rowdy celebs appear in the news

the guy who put up this shield to prevent me from pissing on the public toilet paper should have considered my personal liberties beforehand

to everyone talking shit about my fine motor skills: *gives the Finger, checks to see if correct finger is extended, it isn't, tries again*

In reply to Sizzler® USA

@Sizzler_USA please stop posting political message to my feed

#blogcon2013 waddling around the auditorium trying to find a place to set up my custom pc tower with "BOYS BOYS BOYS" painted on the side

#blogcon2013 im here and if you so much as look at me without having a Verified Account my devices will emit an ear-piercing defense screech

looking forward to getting in some #YardWork today!! *trims 200 square feet of lawn with a riding mower and collapses like a sack of shit*

#BenghaziInFourWords MORTIMUS BELLUM PESTILENTIA BENGHAZI

the police gave me my wacom tablet back http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/044/c/c/friendzone_sucks_by_snowwolf100-d4pnryz.png

stop FUCKING calling me "EPIc Divorce Man", or i will terminate my pogo account and take my tokens wiht me. i am not a MEME, im a HUMAN BEIg

@harej the funniest one., rest assured

on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones, i bid farewell. i explode into 1000 totino's pizza rolls and everyone in the room tries to grab em

this needs to be addressed. if you see me along the road, please do not intentionally ram me with your car. this is the 4th time this happen

best is when you're shopping for bedsheets and you see one with a lousy thread count and you say to your buddies "this poiece of shit sucks"

#WalgreensLatino please stop posting my username

In reply to 🦁🐒

@Lowenaffchen also Skittles

i refuse to conform to typical standards by being "clever" or "funny ". i will never betray my spiritual honor by "posting good things"

summoner draws a venn diagram on the floor with circles labeled "rude" & "illegal". my fat face emerges from the center and begs for treats

In reply to slave to Woke

@prodigalsam you blocked me by accident again

@prodigalsam GOD DAm right you were confused, im all about top-tier content, ive been blocked by the sheikh of dubai for christ sake, Fuck u

In reply to slave to Woke

@prodigalsam this is the most bullshit thing ive ever gotten blocked for

@prodigalsam Feel like this is appropriate. Again. http://i.imgur.com/OqTc3eL.jpg

instagram?? thats a laugh. if i wanted to see pictures of things i'd pray for eyeballs

i hope someone steals my tweets. because.. theyre bad! haha load them up in a big chuck wagon and take them to criminal hq where they belong

#freejahar friends, i have just learned of another passionate freedom fighter who was betrayed by the us government http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Rader

ibm scientists place two atoms next to each other to create "world's tiniest ass." government orders them to return grant money immediately

The wine imparts a foreign bitterness. How could he betray me? We were brothers. I fall to the ground. Execute a partial curl. One last rep.

AS THE GUILLOTINE SLIDES TOWARDS MY NECK, I PRODUCE A TINY BARBELL I'VE BEEN HIDING IN MY MOUTH AND LIFT IT WITH MY TONGUE. ONE LAST REP

I DRIVE OFF OF A CLIFF AND SCRAMBLE TO RIP THE AXLE OFF OF MY CAR AND LIFT IT ABOVE MY HEAD AS I PLUMMET TOWARDS CERTAIN DOOM. ONE LAST REP

if you have ever disagreed with anyone about anything youre a sociopathic piece of shit

please stop posting unofficial crabby road strips. i a m sick of seeing our beloved maxine being used to denigrate the lord and our troops .

my next 4,000 tweets are dedicated to all the good babes of japan and beyond

few things about this account. this is no gimmicks, strigaht from the hip, real shit. i dont "DO" pranks or gags. logged on, at your service

there should be a policeman on the premises when they're naming these damn horses so they stop giving them names that aren't serious or real

"ey!! im walkin here" - me getting waterboarded by the us government

BIG Bible Town is a multiplayer online game set in a 1st century world. The objective of the game is to create your own unique BIG Bible Tow

next issue: should miserable, long-winded diatribes about what constitutes art be considered "Art" ???

In reply to Hermit Thrush Ⓜ️

@Hermit_Thrush This is the most fucked up thing you have ever done .

the villagers gather at the summit to hear my horrendous impersonations of futurama characters and grant me offerings of ivory and fruit

In reply to brendle

@brendlewhat thw worst actually, but thanks

hm?? sorry, didn't see u there. i was just digesting a fascinating piece about how reading twitter for 9 hrs a day makes you a BEtter person

#unpopulargamingopinions games are, in fact, NOT art, with the sole exception being Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle (1989)

#unpopulargamingopinions nmario and luigi are Virgins

i am notr, nor ever have been, a nerd, and i have used some very powerful swear words on this website that would blow most nerds socks off

i have performed の祈り<mouth prayer> in all 4 directions of the compass to stop ShirtlessClyde94 from leaking photos of my ghoulish pud to TMZ

#FreeJahar New DHS rule bans Jahar's mom from giving her son a hug. Im crying. Everything is so fucked up.

#FreeJahar knock knock. who's ther.e? jahar's innocence. the us gov wants to spend $5billion on a helicopter but cant afford jahar's trial.

#FreeJahar this is the $5billion helicopter obama wants to build instead of giving jahar fair trial. http://i.imgur.com/naqOeQj.jpg billion with a b

#FreeJahar obama smirks as he signs the order for a $5 Billion Helicopter while the boston police beg him to pay for $2500 Jahar trial. sick

#FreeJahar obama jsut ordered construction of a $5billion helicopter but no trial for Jahar because "we can't afford it". this is FUCKED UP

one thing I will Not tolerate on this site is users organizing and planning "Orgies", also known as Group Sex.

going back to switch the auto-capitalized 'i's in my post to lowercase so people don't think im some fucked up nerd

hmm. myaybe we should tax Stupid People. and hipster. *the nation stands and applauds, I enjoy a successful career in legislature for 60yrs*

i invented the "bacon is good" joke. i invented the meme of people liking bacon. all sorts of people are copping my gag and im pissed

@DerekRickers listrn pal, im matt, and i love Too fuck

@DerekRickers you started a whole account just to ask me if i'm matt? leave matt alone, he hates you, you dope

In reply to ''Steve''

@extranapkins my father will be donating his dimple to me.

a man in argentina is willing to surgically transfer hair from my Buffoonish ass to my weak, infantile chest and tattoo a jawline to my neck

In reply to https://cohost.org/Zubrungus

@vandelayin i clicked the checkbox next to "Keep Me Logged In" so that's not possible

#questionsobamawontanswer SHOW US YOUR DICK

@diaper_wolf @degg its 69. just kidding

@diaper_wolf @degg the only thing this proves is that youre a doorknob

@gunghokitty no. i believe in the desert

ok. so apparently rap did exist in the 90s. and i apologize. all the other objectionable bullshit i post here is real, though

In reply to Jake Goldman

@ayne_sof thats not rap

@JayneHBeat no

In reply to Jake Goldman

@ayne_sof dead wrong buddy

the good things i like about 90s is there were no hipsters, no rap, and your odds of getting an infection at a hospital were slightly higher

still got my holographic Alan .. this sucker would go for $40 on eBay but i prefer kissing it every night and whispering "90es" #TopShelf90s

best 90s memory is gathering around the old oak tree with the boys and passing around trading cards featuring all of our dads #DamnGood90s

love, friendship, beauty– it all crumbles into dust. but Memes are eternal

In reply to Spoonicorn

@MrSpoonicorn im gay for 2 things. clean shirts and women

it i s a DISGRACE that these people are finding exciting, new ways to get horny without my express written permission

im one of the best supporters of gay on this site. but. the top priority of the nba is putting the numbers up. we cant let players get horny

what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player & it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA

somehow my "JOKE HATER" sweatband gets me more compliments at the gym than my decidedly ripped form

if you receive mail from me and it isn't posted with personalized stamps depicting my dog's pregnant gut then it is fraud. please rip it up

In reply to LAY'S

@LAYS can I vote for the flavor that makes me feel like a depressed, nauseous slug after I eat a whole bag of it?? or is that all of them

im laughing at this really good ad http://imgur.com/gz5Rgk0

i once sent DigimonOtis the dismal metacritic scores of his favorite digimon games and said in so many words "look pal, these are shit games

when I see how far the repulsive DigimonOtis brand has come after I chose to disassociate myself from it I sweat profusely and dry heave

my gym teacher is outside my house right now screaming about how I owe him 20 pushups from 1973 and that my torso sucks

In reply to Golden State Worrier

@Cheesegod69 btecause I was a detestable imbecile in life, and death has only made me stronger

me and my lawyer just tricked my ex-wife into signing an agreement which orders her t o wear a dumbass cowboy hat to work #FuckU #LifeRuiner

my agent said i'm not allowed to post in all caps anymore so i threw all of his award-winning birdhouses into the fucking driveway

In reply to kcg

@barfcaptain otis is criminal and a liar

DELTA FARCE, WITLESS PROTECTION, HEALTH INSPECTOR– THREE INTEGRAL COMPONENTS, PRIDE OF THE ANCIENTS; VITA INFINITUM; LARRY THE ASCENSION GUY

@pepboysauto enjoy your circle jerk, tyrants

In reply to Alysa

@hialysa im Shit efron

apparently im not good enough for the pep boys to follow me on twitter. apparently the pep boys fan fiction i poured my soul into is a waste

principal surveys the premises from his shitty Dodge Caliber, sees the jeans dealer trying to peddle his stash on school grounds & calls 911

lknow what pisses me off?? people who drink milk and spit the milk back into their glasses while making a smug expression. also teenage .

when people upload pics of misc.electronics and the shit just is covered in dust, crumbs,etc i usually have to sign off for a sec &cool down

#PeopleIReallyWantToMeet #oopsiforgot #Celtics forget all of this garbage. when are we gonna nab Osama

all the trolls talk shit about my profession as an artisan ass wiper. but when they see my fine selection of towels they beg for my services

ok publicist says i gotta do one about the zach braff kickstarter ok uh uh*claps hands* alright–– what if instead of money he asked for PIss

In reply to SOSDD🌎

@dhoodstr so what's the deal with benghazi. are you benghazi???? why is potus hiding from benghazi

obana. i know you're reading this. where's benhgazi. what did you do with the benghazi man. release the benghazi gems. #YouJustPulledAnObama

In reply to Timmy Felch

@TimmyFelch @fart @dogboner ive alwas wanted my name printed beneath a mummy's head

my muscles begin to glow with the intensity of 100,000 sun` s. this can only mean one thing–––– there's trouble at the gym

i probably spend the majority of my leisure time punching a hideous effigy of the caveman who invented sex

now, bear wtih me here, what if, hypothetically, a teen reacted to "Yolo" **a massive sack of $$$ materializes in front of me for no reason*

if a tree falls in the forest and a Teen Does NOt React, does it make a sound? ?

i will nbe referring to a certain soda brand as "p*psi" until i receive the $16 they owe me for years of aggressive social content strategy

Teens React To Noise. Teens React To Bugs. Teens React To The Normalization Of Warfare. Teens React To Teens Reacting. Teens React To Fritos

do nOT buy "grab bag" option at the Onion Brothers' Onion Emporium. it is a trick devised to sell you undesirable onions

if our lives were like a highschool cafeteria the cool kids table would be occupied by those guys who mess up their dicks for body mod blogs

In reply to Patricia Lockwood

@TriciaLockwood the way i talk ids really good and normal as hell

if a terrorist tried to get me. i'd just say like, "gods fake dude" then punch the gun out of his hand while hes contemplating the hereafter

@OneDragonZ i went to a long john silvers once

i would really like to attend my grandsons funeral but at the same time i just want to sit in bed and explore my body with a peacock feather

The SHeriff's Department Denies Your Request To Be Sat On By Muscle Ladies As Punishment And Would Like For You To Pay Your Ticket With Cash

you know the ancient sumerians regarded men with wide-ass necks and tiny-ass heads as divine beauties and gave them gifts of gold and barley

http://wint.co/kfc.htm Here's That Fucking Awufl Kfc Page People Have Been Asking Me To Re-Upload

despite this being the 1 day that allows the legal use of "Ghanja", i will isntead opt to absorb the celebrated works of Foxworthy & Engvall

@MuscularSon i wan't to get all my straight uncles to flick spoonfuls of sour cream at them leathers

In reply to Glenn Beck

@glennbeck I was a big fan until you decided to get all Political on us. Unfollowed.

@poopiest more than god

In reply to John Glendenning🇺🇸

@johnglenpdx @glennbeck me too

In reply to pancosa

@bread_thing no

i hope to increase my respectable klout score of 99 by punishing the demons that plague my account in the form of unfunny post s

so which corporate twitter accounts are the best for hurling abuse and vile insults towards in exchange for coupons and. deals

i walk by. my shirt has the words "ALL I NEED IS" written on front. you're confused until you see the back of my shirt which says "MUDBIKES"

if death regulation affects my god-given ability to put holes in garbage and animals really loudly i will kiss the toilet 1000 times and die

@robo_junkie @CNN @Reuters @infowars @gameinformer i can post sex things in times of crisis

my uncle called me a Loser on television way before this guy';s uncle did it @cnn @reuters @infowars @gameinformer

reddit user "IncestVader" has just confirmed that @RicinElvis is thbe culprit , is on the loose, and is going bonkers. please yell at him

mmph *dips another tostito into an ashtray full of ketchup * ah it's so good *licks salty residue off of my bloated purple fingers* mhmm

In reply to bud

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal yea http://www.dreamstime.com/pile-of-ham-thumb26523190.jpg

@tropical_dave red lobster kidzone and this one

i cna list numerous occasions where i have been discriminated against in a racist fashion just because i am a content creator .

i stumble into a nameless town and see an ass pressed up against a screen door. i instinctively turn around and walk back towards the desert

cant deal with people who have such an utter disregard for brand integrity that they would log on without a shirt. this is not a pornno.

apparently shirtless people are interacting with me on this site. please put on a tasteful button-down top if you want to fav or retweet me.

my wife gives birth to a beautiful vintage schlitz beer tap handle. i kiss her softly on the forehead & put it on display next to the others

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/make-pampers-huggies-luvs-create-size-7-adult-diapers.html were u there the day DragonBlaster laid down his arms & surrendered to the deranged corporate interests of Big Diaper

In reply to @vinceness

@vinceness I AM WASTE

i have still not ruled out the possibility that the jellyfish i stepped on while collecting seashells at the beach was a False Flag

I AM NOT AFRIAD TO USE THE WORDS "FU*K" AND "S*HT" WHEN DEALING WITH SNAKE OIL SALESMEN ON THE PHONE

if youre following me for vids of me smearing chocolate syrup all over my chest. i dont do that anymore, and i suggest u read the holybook .

been driving in circles with the wife & kids since 3am trying to find a place that will service my denim and we're all yelling at each other

if you work with compute,r, if you know Code, if you do Code, please, please design a hot tub app that i can use in the hot tub

yeah whatever pal; im such an asshole for feeding my nail clippings to the birds at the park instead of sending em off to the dunp. fuck off

we have just been informed that more and more teens are buying "wax lips" from candy stores. do not be fooled. these are not their real lips

i have posted severla high-res images of my teeth & gums for the inspection of the trolls. they will find that they look like a normal man's

search "crash bandicoot is real"
>> Did you mean "Crash Bandicoot Israel"?
search "no"

#BedBugsFeedLists blood,

unlike the rest of you clowns, i want to watch dog the bounty hunter's entire body morph into a fingerless leather glove for ASEXUAL reasons

i have been carrying my prophet mohammed body pillow everywhere since i was 14 and i will never forgive the coyote who yanked it off of me

the artist formerly known as "BubsyFucker" is no longer banned from israel. please keep the wiki up to date anmd withhold your judgments

blooper: it is implied that james bond 007 engages in sexual contact. this would never happen in real life because sex is revolting and rude

In reply to @mde_never_dies

@mde_never_dies good lad

In reply to Mike Bianchi

@Mike_Bianchi @Second_lunch why did he remove th arby's reference though. arb'ys is one of the most influential brands of 2013. hes a madman

i am nude, shaved, & ready to be submerged within the digital chrysalis where i will generate bigcoins by doing ki warrior poses until i die

plop all feeds with adult content on them right straight into the trash can. twitter is a businness site .

@KloutSupport i demand that you send me my bottle of "Spice Islands Beau Monde" for no reason whatsoever or else i will post my diseased ass

@KloutSupport "There was an error getting your Perk. Please try again or contact support." what the heck. im a Top Influencer for christsake

in veneration of the right honorable baroness my six komodo dragons will be rewarded one etxra " DIPEY CHANGE " and allowed to eat spaghetti

absolute horseshit that im being written up for painting "JORDACHE BOYS" on windshield when i can see the road between the letters just fine

i want to see james bond do steampuck, i want to see bat man do steampuck, i want to see spider man do steampuck, and thats the bottomline.

my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal

@clxrk i use some offbrand shit that my father boaught 200 cases of in 1998. dont know the name, the labels just a picture of a cobra. sorry

i will go to great lenghts to prove that i take real showers. i will send pH samples of my flesh to th trolls. i will take pics of wet tub.

indie punk rock band "THe 9/11 Forgetters" wanted by police after imploring their audience NOT to watch ABC's wednesday night comedy lineup

if you insult the tiny pepsi can at the bottom of the buzzfeed article your'e fit for the bathroom. i will never let you look at my posts.

number three. the footage of me struggling to shove a barbell into a toilet stall that isn't wide enough is " FALSE " and must be earased.

number one. it is my right as a gold's gym member to bring barbells into the toilet stall and get my extra reps. number two. its not cheatig

In reply to Pepsi

@pepsi die from dehydration

@pepsi how many pepsi points will I score if I change my avatar to pepsi logo

going to prove once and for all that trolls are Bullshit by having a narcissistic meltdown on my tech humor wordpress & logging off for 5hrs

Cynical zombie nerd. Diabetic meme dynamo. Country gal. Mustard guru. Unrepentant photo blogger. Bacon dipshit. Entrepreneur. Goalie.

In reply to Ben Avery

@BenCravery who is doing that. give me his ip adress

the digital man takes a sneaky peek around the library,. activates his darknet chakras, runs a Grid search on "dale earnheartd wackin it" ,

my cigar rival just posted another vid.... time to leave the kids with nana , switch it to hell mode and outsmoke this BAStard

i have never looked at my own dick in my entire life. not once

RufusPussy. PussysRufus. RufusPussyLord. PussyManRufus. PussyWhizRufus. RufusPussyExpert. Pussy_Rufus. PussyEnchanterRufus. PussRuf.

death to false muscles

i roll a massive barrel labeled "Gangnam Content" into a lavish nyc party attended by high profile artists and accidentally crush a mans leg

i am now pregnant with my own shadow form and i am looking forward to feeling it move around in my belly as it explores mme. this it real

@anhonestmess my huge legs and a vile hunched back

I AM ONLY ALLOWED TO RESPOND TO 1 MORE CRAIGLIST AD BY LAW. NO STRINGS MUNICIPAL PUMP HOUSE SEX OR 14 FREE CINDER BLOCKS? IM HAVING A STROKE

my big april prank: scream about my dick for 5 years on a website that people normally use to socialize with friends and loved ones

despite google's bullshit-- today is National Criminal Log Off Day. if you're a criminal then log off

#TenLiberalCommandments thou shalt kiss the dicks of our troops and lick their dicks also for disrespecting them and making them sad

In reply to DARPA Dad

@Hexjackal onl;y if i'm allowed to pray 15 times a day and drink coffee and suck dicks

IGN: "octomom caught Gaming" Gawker: "octomom is a gamer and i want to smooch her" TMZ: "ocotomom GAMES? hhuUWHAAT??" Wired: "octomom game"

WHAT IS A "FUCK LUNG"

http://www.jackdaniels.com/whiskey/sinatra-select calling all my dubai followers to step up and pour a bottle of htis down my ass crack

"Master Distiller Jeff Arnett explains what makes Sinatra Select's character as smooth and bold as the man himself, Frank Sinatra." it piss

people always talk down on the Zoo but if your'e a shitty animal like me it is a great place to network and be gawked at for zero pay

a bunch of cops knock my colostomy bag on the floor and begin stepping on it with high heeled shoes while i jack off and ask them to stop it

In reply to SEX JOHNSON

@travi0li no

In reply to :)

@hehu42 thats why im a bing man

they want to build a masque on the sunken remains of the titanic; dont let um

ever since i read a life changing book i have desired the ability to morph into a Policeman at will. i will not divulge the name of the book

@JakeMcPartland im The Pepsi Eunuch Bitch!!! i don't give s FUCK !!!

thte name "ThePepsiEunuch" was taken. to clear up any confusion

my youtube account "ThePepsiEunich" has earned me $48 in ad revenue throughout 2010-2012. id rather die than let the GOVT take a cent of it.

i want to be wearing google glass when i see my wife in her wedding dress fofr the very first time so i can turn it into a big dorito

@castinemachine only if u respect muscle

In reply to Wyte Lyon

@wytelyon "BIBLE"

before the holy ghost died--- there was the father, the son and TacoBellMaven

In reply to tommy crimes

@Brohan_Cruyff IM LOGGED IN AUTO MATICALLY THANK YOU

please keep my denny's coupon gender rant off of wikipedia's list of notable tantrums-- it is NOT notable

log off., you piss covered reptiles, youre turning good bandwidth into shit

MOSQUITO cannot breed inside of faucet if it is running constantly... use this infor wisley

i can't tell you how many serious UFO vids i've seen ruined by the slow zoom out and reveal of a man jacking it

maybe one of my followers could donate a tonsil or something so i can finally upgrade my dick

halfway through the work day and my boss STILL hasnt noticed im stuck in a pair of handcuffs. ur dealing with the Master. #FuckU #BaldPrick

YOU WILL NEVER WASH YOURSELF AGAIN AFTER WATCHING THIS WISE OLD YOUTUBE CLIP WHICH HAS BEEN ＢＡＮＮＥＤＢＹＤＯＣＴＯＲＳ

please stop calling my home with fucked up three stooges noises. my nine daughters no longer respect me after seeing me get mad at the phone

i sense a demonic presence clicking x on my usless posts...........

@iRespectGmail @dril_replies normal garfield, water garfiel, shadow garfield, are all straight and i want that written down right here today

http://i.imgur.com/bujzz8V.jpg Fight For Your Brand

SOLVE MY ASS

In reply to 🦁🐒

@Lowenaffchen trolls have cost me the Dairy Queen deal. Dairy Queen will not take my account seriously because of these people.

petition to change the twitter bird into a shittier, less noble animal, l ike a pig or an ape

In reply to Aaron Spacemuseum

@Ant_Water @surfercat @glennbeck to his credit, doctors are often too busy counting their blood money to learn anything smart about body's.

@surfercat @glennbeck only if glenn back sees it

In reply to lemme just take a lil sippy of estus

@AmaznSpoderman its just hte #SexLife

i choke myslef with a bra on webcam and my face becomes so purple and bloated that the software no longer recognizes it as a face #sexlife

In reply to Glenn Beck

@glennbeck harmony korine's "trash humpers"

i, turdghoul fuckass, swear to uphold the constitution of the united states of america, so help me Piss. ok sorry, now let me do it for real

@ULTRA_BONG idont eat

@ULTRA_BONG go to bed dad

my father banned me from taking shits after 8:00pm until i was 19 and this instilled within me a sense of morality and honor and respect

NETFLIX DIAPER NOW #WOAH #Real

im not fucking finished deconstructing the god damn diaper concept, and im not fucking finished flooding your worthless feed with shit mouth

on a rickety stage at some empty roadhouse, a True mississippi blues man is howling aobut diapers, unappreciated by the toilet using masses

i remark "mummies are made out of diapers" at the egypt museum. some cops jump out a sarcophagus and begin humping me as i roll on the floor

"diapers are for animal at the zoo". nmever in my life have i seen a more ignorant comment written online and overlooked by the hitler media

these flawless squats on the roof of my van go out to the bastard who accused me of "going apeshit" a t wild birds unlimited in marietta, ga

In reply to Hermit Thrush Ⓜ️

@Hermit_Thrush nboody has ever requested that u log in.

#q=%22chibi%20girl%22%2C%20%22human%20suffering%22&cmpt=q" target="_blank">http://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=%22chibi%20girl%22%2C%20%22human%20suffering%22&cmpt=q absolutely

ill have what 2005 is having #q=%22the%20short%20bus%22%2C%20%22big%20bubba%22%2C%20%22de%20de%20de%22%2C%20%22for%20the%20win%22%2C%20%22sexy%20time%22&date=6%2F2004%2032m&cmpt=q" target="_blank">http://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=%22the%20short%20bus%22%2C%20%22big%20bubba%22%2C%20%22de%20de%20de%22%2C%20%22for%20the%20win%22%2C%20%22sexy%20time%22&date=6%2F2004%2032m&cmpt=q

#10ThingsYouHateToDo jack off, not jack off, 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

In reply to 𝖈𝖚𝖙𝖊 𝖌𝖎𝖗𝖑 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖌𝖑𝖆𝖘𝖘𝖊𝖘

@babymole78 i can help with this-- you;re supposed to click the "follow" button on my page and leave it clicked on

(the presence of the sarcasm tag indicates that i do not actually want to suck god's dick. please dont derail this discussion with nonsanse)

GET PAID TO CRY - MAKE UP TO "$4.98" A DAY SOBBING ON WEBCAM -MAIL US TEARS FOR вonυѕвυх®- ABJECT HUMAN MISERY IS THE LIFEBLOOD - DIE A HERO

In reply to Lydia Tár Tár Bink’s

@robdelaney i have made peace in hte name holy christ and will gracefully accept my ban

a blank one

i want to fuck a sheet of paper

@_washu @Peeglass hte beautiful 50,000+ year old goddess Washu Hakubi, rightfull mother of Ryoko and Angel, makes an extremely valid point

the next big online thing is men who eat Dog Food, schedule meetups to eat dog food together and form rivalries with cat & baby food eaters

i will never apologize for accidentally dialing 911 in my jeans pocket or accidentally begging the operator for a "cop massage"

uzbeks found attempting to modify their devices & remove the Croods interface are subject to public lashings and fines of up to 10000000 UZS

i can confirm israeli android os WILL use a gui based on art assets from dreamworks The Croods & that this is exciting news for Crood likers

@ROBOT_IRL @jokeappreciator idont know who runs that account but i am most certainly a huge piece of shit regardless

i thjink i'd know the difference between Satan and a noisy washing machine with "666" spraypainted on the side

my girl beliefs own, my sex beliefs own, my god beliefs own, my page owns, i m always yelled at, im always hacked , im garbage and thank you

im sorry but what are the odds that 100 snakes would hatch from that huge egg i found in the swamp. in a way, we pretty much won the lottery

i turned myself into a skunk using an incantation posted by 11 year old girl on youtube. i should not have done this. please, please help m

@iRespectGmail viral ??? now were talkin

if i win that wendy's contest i will do the right thing and choose to set dick vitale free

yeah lets all j ust sit here and pretend everythin'gs ok while dick vitale sells his body to the wendy's corporation for big buck

i just heard someone was angry on a website and now im angry and people are angry at me for being angry at him and im angry at them too #hel

i just looked up the stats and the number of meaningful relationships ive formed is less than the number of public restrooms ive Screamed in

In reply to db

@dogboner They also have to eat the shit

haha get this, these people on the crisue boats that get stranded, they have to shit ON the boat, and sometimes they even touch the shit!!!!

#iKnowImNotTheOnlyOneWho the pope

hosanna !! hosanna !! netbooks for dog lovers

@dril_replies How's your diaper? Want any of my sexy turds? ASS!! holy Fu,ckin ass!! Haha, good shit. Retweet me

@matchbox_420 BONE DEAD..........

buck bumble caressed his dead gfs hair. "you will pay for thi s, Bastards." he grabbed two uzis and charged the gym, "Suprise mother fuckers

MMORPG (massive multiplayer online roleplayig game), FPS (first person shooter), RTS (real time strategy), T2DF ( tactical 2d dragon fucker)

In reply to Robert M. Enger

@RobertMarkEnger yeah those god likers love to shit

lets ACTUAlly shove atheism down christians throats. cram godless voids into their mouths which nullify the Prayers of their digestive tract

keelhaul my dick

@weepysweetmonty my solemn vow of shit

i'm pepsi rep kevin and we need $12m kickstarter dollars to make a pepsi commercial in true 8 Bit. lets show this new pope what were made of

@juanitocbueno ---------> GET A BRIAN LIAR< -------

the audience gasps as i, @dirl, divulge onto webspace, my invalid opinions, quips, and horseshit gags while smoking 2 cigarettes ,simultáneo

In reply to Jess

@iamnotaboat i was dying, no one helped